Wednesday, November 09, 2011


because HE had an affair! Meh.

How many times have you heard of such marriage break ups? I've heard it one too many times! Which has made me think.....

Who do we blame when a marriage ends because of the GUY having an affair? Of course we blame the guy instantly! I mean come on, he's having an affair!!! How bad is that? There's no justification on his side as to why he had the affair. But hang on a minute. Do we stop to ask the guys their reasons for the divorce? Of course we don't. I mean, why should we?? He's made an offence so why should we listen to what he's got to say. Right?


If one is really concerned about someone's divorce, they would take the initiative to listen to both sides of the story. Of course both stories will differ tremendously because there is something that either party wouldn't want to disclose. So, what do "we" do next? We start judging from our own perspective because we've heard it all. I mean, that's what we do best right? We have seen it all in Law & Order, CSI etc etc. After we've heard both parties' story, we, the Jury, will sit down, discuss and give our final thought as to who is at fault. Unfortunately, that's absolutely NOT how our life should be! Even in Hudud law, four PIOUS witnesses have to come upfront and admit that they have witnessed such adultery in PERFECT DETAIL, IF, by any chance their statements do not satisfy the requirements, they (the witnesses) can be sentenced to eighty lashes for unfounded accusation of fornication. That is how bad assumptions and suspisions are perceived in Islam. We as human beings are not given the chance to judge another person.... at all! Judgement day is there for a reason. It's stated in Surah Al-Fatihah verse 3- Maaliki yawmi-d-Deen; MASTER of the Day of Judgement. It's ALLAH's 'job' to put us on the spot and judge the good and bad we have done in our life. Even if we've heard both sides of the story, do you think we can be unbiased? Of course we can't. Especially if we have experienced it before.

Before I got married to Iskandar, I've always told him. If you wanna have 2 or 3 or 4 wives, carry on. As long as you can fulfill all the requirements that you're supposed to. Yes, I am frank when it comes to serious things like this. There must be a reason why ALLAH allow men to marry 4. I have never believed that affairs happen BECAUSE the guy is unfaithful. I believe that it takes two to tango, so it takes two to break a marriage too. There must be a solid reason behind an affair. My Mom always tells me, some people just HAVE to marry 2 or 3 or 4 because there are things in their life that they need to be fulfilled but with one wife, it's not possible to be fulfilled (for example, one wife is only just good at cooking and the other maybe sewing). There must be a reason why ALLAH has matched them together. My Mom has always 'encouraged' polygyny if it has to happen.

So, back to affairs. Why is it always the guys that gets the blame? It's simply because they have higher sexual urges than girls (that's a fact!). Then, of course guys will get blamed regardless of their story. But! Doesn't this mean that there is something that the ladies aren't doing to please the man? This is why I say it takes two to break a marriage. We can NEVER pin point a person for their wrongdoings because we don't know what happen or doesn't happen behind CLOSED DOORS. Why are we so quick at judging the guys for being the bad one? From my point of view, affairs happen because the wives aren't fulfilling their responsible as a wife. It's as simple as that. I'm not only blaming the wife, it's silly for the guy to have an affair but I'm just saying... It takes two to tango! Simple as that. We have no knowledge to just point a finger to one person and look bad on that person because he had an affair.

Ok, let's turn the table for a moment. If a girl has an affair, who would you blame? I'm sure there must be some amongst you that will say "HE deserves it for not treating the wife correctly." "HE deserves it for not showering the wife with lots of love and happiness". Am I right or am I right? Wouldn't the blame still be on the guy? Yes, it will still be. Only because we have been brought up with a mindset that girls are to be showered with lots of love and DIAMONDS! If they're not, they will never be happy. So, who's to be blamed for not showering all this? THE GUYS!!!

We have been brought up with a mindset and society that girls are sensitive and guys are HEARTLESS! No matter what guys try to do, they get the blame. It's just like when a wife gets beaten up, the guys will get the blame because he's just not supposed to hit his wife. It's wrong to smack a lady because they're fragile. But when a lady beats up a man.. it's okay because she can't express it any other way. How is that fair? Yes it's not fair! It can never be fair. That is why ALLAH swt has made it easy on us to not judge another person because we can NEVER be fair! It's not wrong to be concerned for one party, but it is wrong when ties are broken in the whole process. People tend to be emotionally involved till they forget their own flesh and blood.

Even worse when the divorce has finalised and the guy is going out with the so called "affair lady". People without hesitation make a judgement that YES!!! THE AFFAIR WAS TRUE AFTER ALL. Hang on a sec, couldn't it be because that so called "affair lady" has always been there throughout the whole process and has been his 'friend' throughout the downfall? So, it is only right for her to be in the picture and comforting him from his divorce. No? But, most important of all, isn't it ALLAH that has brought them together? Isn't this what they call fate? Just because it's not a fairytale like fate, doesn't mean it couldn't happen. It is all ALLAH's plan. Whether we like it or not. HE, the Almighty has planned it out perfectly for us. So, who are we to Judge that "It's WRONG for him to go out with the so called "affair lady""?

So, let's take a step back if we've gone too far. Let's think in a positive way. Everything happens for a reason. Only ALLAH swt knows the reason behind it. Marriage, affairs, divorce etc, is beyond our control. It's ALLAH's way to show that HE is in control. Doesn't mean you have a perfect marriage, your marriage can never break up. If ALLAH wills it, you have no say! Everything is in ALLAH's hand. Let's think about it, if we are upset with the person's "affair" or divorce, doesn't it ONLY mean that we are upset with ALLAH's decision?? Think about it. And from a cousin's quote: The Mind can be controlled to shift from a Negative state to a Positive one. Just find something Positive to do. Your Mind will follow next. So, think about it in a Positive way and throw out all the Negative views that we have been brought up with from Movies or Dramas etc. Insha'Allah, may we look at things more clearly and not make a 'judge' out of ourselves. Judgement day will come, so let's just be prepared for that day and leave the judging 'work' to ALLAH swt. Don't waste our precious time too engrossed with other people's affair (pun intended ;-).

May we have more barakah in this life, Insha'Allah. AMIN!!

I will also leave this few Hadiths, Insha'Allah. May we Ponder upon it. :-)

Hadith : Bukhari and Muslim

The Messenger of Allah salallahualaihiwasalam said: " Beware of suspicion, for suspicion (may be based on) the most untrue information; and do not spy upon one another and do not try to bare each other's hidden failings."

"O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: And spy not on each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it...But fear Allah: For Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful." (surah al-hujuraat verse 12)

"Behold, ye received it on your tongues, and said out of your mouths things of which ye had no knowledge; and ye thought it to be a light matter, while it was most serious in the sight of Allah." (surah al-noor verse 15)

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah : "Beware of backbiting, for backbiting is more serious than adultery.  A man may commit adultery, and drink, and then repent, and Allah will forgive him.  But, the backbiter will not be forgiven by Allah until his companion forgives him." [Suyuti, Al-Jami` as-Saghir, 1/174, #2919, from Ibn Abid-Dunya, and Abush-Shaykh, Al-Tawbikh.]